What a cute boy can teach you...

Attraction.

That’s a spicy word, isn’t it?

It’s a reality that I uncomfortably lived within the first few months of school… a position of submission to God that I did not expect upon coming to seminary. I thought I would learn something more of the Lord’s character or come to understand people’s hearts more deeply. And I have learned those things. God has been near and I’ve learned more of what people need to feel cared for and understood. But I’ve also seen my heart and its reaction to attraction.

What have I found in my heart? Both the realities of fear and submission. I have observed both the willingness to risk and trust the Lord and a reaction of resistance, withdrawal, and self-protection as I become more open to dating and marriage. In all honesty, it really isn’t the idea of marriage that I fear. I do not fear men or intimacy. My family has been incredibly loving toward each other and celebratory of marriage. I am thankful for their example. It is the idea of dating that throws me. I don’t have a working concept for it. I’m not sure what the rules of the game are, so for the most part, I’ve opted not to play.

Through being interested in a guy friend of mine, I noticed one peculiar theme. Throughout my life I’ve had a number of very close friends and have often been on the inside of an interesting conversation. The scenario is something to this affect:

Sarah likes Brain, but Brian doesn’t like Sarah. Sarah makes her attraction known. Brain is very uncomfortable and not interested. Sarah is deemed the “creepy girl” that Brian can’t be friends with any more.

I think somewhere along the way, I took a vow: “I will never be Sarah”, a.k.a., “the creepy girl”… I’ll accomplish this goal by always being friends with guys and not risk our friendship by making my attraction known or allowing them to express theirs.

Well, God, it seems, thinks that is a stupid way to live… and though it makes me feel awkward at times, I agree with him. The “creepy girl” thought is silly for a couple of reasons. First, I’m learning, the average guy will think I’m amazing and not think I’m “Sarah, the creepy girl”… Second, because living in honest relationships, intimacy, and trusting God invite risk and call us to live outside of that which is comfortable and known… And thirdly, hiding attraction is pretty unwise considering I feel a strong call to get married and do family ministry.

So, my heart is being changed. And I am grateful.

Who knows, maybe one day soon, I’ll master the art of one liners:
“Hey, there hot stuff.
You remind me of a parking ticket.
Because you have fine written all over you."

Or maybe the Lord is just getting my heart ready for something… I guess we’ll have to see.

Hi, my name is Becca Brown.

I’ve introduced myself a lot in the last 6 months. I’ve had to define who I am for others and have run across some interesting themes.

Hi, my name is Becca. Yes, I am from Georgia and say “y’all” and “naked” funny. No, I don’t say “pop”.
My name is Becca and I am a loosely reformed, cautiously charismatic, Chirst-centered, discipleship-orientated sinner who has been saved by grace and eagerly awaits Jesus return.
Hi, my name is Becca and I am a trapeze artist. Yes, a trapeze artist. Yes, that was me hanging in a tree last week. No, it doesn’t hurt… much.
My name is Becca and I paint and build things... lots of things. Yes, there is nude art in my apartment. No, it doesn’t cause me to sin. It provokes worship to God. No, you aren’t the only one who disapproves.
My name is Becca and I am, at times, overly analytical and feel deeply.
My name is Becca and I know myself very well.
My name is Becca and my idea of family is very big. You are welcome to come be a part. My house is your house.
My name is Becca and I might remind you of a hippie. I get that from my mother. She’s pretty silly, but very wise.
My name is Becca and I value intimacy and depth in relationships. I might scare you a little with my questions. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.
My name is Becca and I am loved by a great God, an incredible family, and amazing friends.

My name is Becca Brown… and I am grateful.

Dumpster Diving...

Hmmm… I’m not sure that I can publish this on the internet. But it has to do with my groceries. You can use your imagination. ;)

Church and Ministry

I’d like to ask you to pray. Beginning in October, I’ve been attending Lakeland Evangelical Free Church in Gurney, Illinois. The church is about 20 minutes from Trinity and I really like it. The pastor is humble, honest, gospel-centered, funny, and seems to really understand how people grow and operate. The people worship enthusiastically and it is a very family-centered church. I’ve had a hard time connecting relationally, however. This week, I plan to join a small group and hope that will help bridge some of the relational gaps I’ve been experiencing. Pray that the Lord would connect me and use me as an encouragement.

For the first couple of months here, I met with a pastor at another local church. This church was very excited about WDA and discipleship. We met consistently for about 2 months, but the Lord began to make it clear that they weren’t to pursue a partnership with WDA and I wasn’t to be a member of their church. The process of brainstorming and meeting was exciting, but ultimately, as the pastor decided not to continue with WDA, the end was saddening for me, personally. I was disappointed not to continue on to serve them through WDA, but trust the Lord’s will and timing in the decision. Please pray for this church. Pray that the Lord would bless them and that they would continue their efforts to grow the members of their church.

I have yet to find a place of formal ministry, but that does not mean that opportunities have been lacking. Last semester, once a week, a group of students met in my home for a meal. We shared our hearts, prayed for, and encouraged one another. This time was sweet, honoring to the Lord, and helpful to encourage growth in each of us. At first, I didn’t label this weekly meal as “ministry”. Then one night, as I cooked in my kitchen, I prayed, “Lord, I really wish I had a place of ministry.” The Lord answered my plea, “Becca, look around you, this is your place of ministry.”

So, ministry may not look formal this year, it might look like caring for the people that God places in my life when the opportunity arises. And if this past semester is telling, the opportunities are plentiful. Pray that I would continue to see them as they come. I so want to be faithful to the Lord and ready when he returns.