What a cute boy can teach you...

Attraction.

That’s a spicy word, isn’t it?

It’s a reality that I uncomfortably lived within the first few months of school… a position of submission to God that I did not expect upon coming to seminary. I thought I would learn something more of the Lord’s character or come to understand people’s hearts more deeply. And I have learned those things. God has been near and I’ve learned more of what people need to feel cared for and understood. But I’ve also seen my heart and its reaction to attraction.

What have I found in my heart? Both the realities of fear and submission. I have observed both the willingness to risk and trust the Lord and a reaction of resistance, withdrawal, and self-protection as I become more open to dating and marriage. In all honesty, it really isn’t the idea of marriage that I fear. I do not fear men or intimacy. My family has been incredibly loving toward each other and celebratory of marriage. I am thankful for their example. It is the idea of dating that throws me. I don’t have a working concept for it. I’m not sure what the rules of the game are, so for the most part, I’ve opted not to play.

Through being interested in a guy friend of mine, I noticed one peculiar theme. Throughout my life I’ve had a number of very close friends and have often been on the inside of an interesting conversation. The scenario is something to this affect:

Sarah likes Brain, but Brian doesn’t like Sarah. Sarah makes her attraction known. Brain is very uncomfortable and not interested. Sarah is deemed the “creepy girl” that Brian can’t be friends with any more.

I think somewhere along the way, I took a vow: “I will never be Sarah”, a.k.a., “the creepy girl”… I’ll accomplish this goal by always being friends with guys and not risk our friendship by making my attraction known or allowing them to express theirs.

Well, God, it seems, thinks that is a stupid way to live… and though it makes me feel awkward at times, I agree with him. The “creepy girl” thought is silly for a couple of reasons. First, I’m learning, the average guy will think I’m amazing and not think I’m “Sarah, the creepy girl”… Second, because living in honest relationships, intimacy, and trusting God invite risk and call us to live outside of that which is comfortable and known… And thirdly, hiding attraction is pretty unwise considering I feel a strong call to get married and do family ministry.

So, my heart is being changed. And I am grateful.

Who knows, maybe one day soon, I’ll master the art of one liners:
“Hey, there hot stuff.
You remind me of a parking ticket.
Because you have fine written all over you."

Or maybe the Lord is just getting my heart ready for something… I guess we’ll have to see.