"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you , as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your father who sees in secret will reward you."

God has brought this verse to mind frequently in the last week. My church, Crossway Fellowship, has been going through the Sermon on the Mount for the last few months. It has been very convicting and refreshing. It has also served to prove that though I teach through this passage frequently with our journey leadership students, I am still in need of much grace to apply its truths to my life.

Anyways, back to the verse. It seems I have been more aware of some "needy people" or "needy situations" in my life as of late. As I relate to each of these, I hear God calling me to a higher level of trust, humility, forgiveness, patience, or surrendering. In response, I have felt more resistance in my flesh-- wanting to grasp at and clinch in my fist the security of material wealth, my own comfort, my own rights, my own schedule which has myself as the supreme benefactor, and my own determining of whom I will love and whom I will avoid. Because our God is unending in goodness, his grace still calls me to crucify my flesh and walk in obedience amidst my childish temportantrums.

Still with all that grace, I have noted in myself the tendency to be all too observant of the ways God is asking me to serve or mortify my sin or love or obey. As if I have a calculator in my pocket and I am keeping a tally, so as to justify my two wrong responses to God: The first is entitled, "The Demand for the Hollywood Lifestyle/ The Opposite of a Submitted Life". This is when I tell God he needs to stop messing with my life now... My flesh mourns, laments, and yells while God peals my hands off my Hollywood lifestyle-- where everything is easy, nothing makes me depend on him or grateful for him, and I am made much of, instead of him. The second response I call, "The Self-Righteous Trumpet Player". I think to myself, "Wow, you're pretty impressive, look at how much you're giving here and here and here and...You deserve a break." How arrogant those words seem when scripture calls me an unworthy servant who only does the lowest requirement for the Master.

Gross as it is, that is where my heart goes... averting my eyes, not away from myself and to my God, but towards myself. Following my friend, JohnMark's sermon on Sunday, I listened to a sermon by John Piper. He spoke of the glory of God when all things are restored, commenting that one thing that will become characteristic of man is his self-forgetfulness in the midst of praising and looking to the glory of our great God! Oh, how my heart needs that! Pray for me that self-forgetfulness would be my first inclination amidst God's pruning or increased call to love and live the Gospel. Self-forgetfulness-- so much so that my left hand would not realize what my right hand is doing. Pray hard, for my pride does not make this process an easy or natural one. Pray hard, for I fear that the God I serve is very jealous over his glory and demands that I be as well.